February 14, 2008

Sometimes the more I have to talk about, the fewer words I have with which to do it. For example, February 1st was the one year anniversary of Olivia's diagnosis. I had been aware of the anniversary creeping up on us, but I didn't really want to think about it. I still don't. I have just felt sort of angry and tired about the whole thing. I don't want a year to have passed. I don't want to have to say, "It was a year ago, two years ago, five years ago..." I still don't want it to be real.

When I feel this way, I get avoidant. Let things slide. Refuse to deal. Last night, I went for much longer without checking O's blood sugar than I normally ever would. Just too tired. Didn't want to poke her again. Didn't want to get up. Just didn't want to do it, damn it.

This in turn makes me feel guilty. Imagine how she feels, I tell myself. Actually, I don't have to imagine. I read it in people's blogs, what it is like to live with it. There is no avoiding diabetes.

So, I'll get it together. Write a little, grieve a little. Move on, cut myself some slack. There has to be some ebb and flow.

Time keeps rushing further away from that February night when we rushed O to the ER; hopefully, we are moving just as quickly towards a cure.

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7 Comments:

Blogger alice said...

A lot of us are hoping right along with you! That big breakthrough could be right around the corner...

O is a lucky kid, you know. It's a tough diagnosis, but she's got great parents and is getting the best care possible.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Nicole P said...

Oh, Paige. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be where you are. The living with it gets easier, though the anniversaries are always tougher than the other days. I've tried over the years not to measure my life by before and after diabetes - and to let myself feel shitty or feel great on the anniversary dates - you are right - there needs to be an ebb and flow.

I think Alice is right - Olivia is a lucky little girl.

And she WILL turn into a beautiful, sparkling woman. Diabetes will sometimes stay in the background, humming, difficult white noise. And when it comes to the forefront, you will have prepared her to deal in the best way she knows how. And you will support her as she grieves and rages. But rest assured, even in the fits of her anger and sadness, she'll be beautiful, sparkling, FIERCE. Because that's the gift you'll have given her.

I'm sending you every good thought I can muster...

ox, Nicole

10:28 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I can relate wholeheartedly.

1:16 AM  
Blogger Penny said...

We are working on year three of living with diabetes.

But, I remember that first anniversary. It was really, really hard to deal with. Up until that first anniversary I felt like I remembered life without D. I could say last year at this time Riley didn't have diabetes. When he reached that one year mark I couldn't say that anymore.

As wierd as it sounds it felt like it does when someone you are very close to dies. I felt like I'd forget what it was like not to live with D in the household.

But, here we are 2 years and 4 months post diagnosis and I do remember holding Riley for the first time. I remember his first steps. None of these moments had diabetes attached to them.

And, I remember the day he scored his first soccer goal and his first day of school. Diabetes was there for those moments but those memories are just as sweet as the non-d ones.

Sorry I didn't mean to write such a long comment. I just wanted to let you know I've been where you are. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. (((hugs)))

12:26 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

Paige,
Sorry you're feeling down about this. It's okay to vent. That's why we're here - to support and cheer each other on. So hang in there; it will be okay.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Paige said...

I'll be reading these comments again and again. Thanks for all the support.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Paige, I feel your pain. Our 1 year anniversary is getting closer and I've already been dreading it. O seems so sweet and so wonderful. She and Isabelle seem to be a lot alike.

Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}

10:12 PM  

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