December 07, 2007

How to Ruin a Couple of Days

or "Oh Crap; a play in five short acts"

Act 1

While taking your sleeping child out of the car, slam your thumb in the door.

Whimper and weep all night with your hugely swollen thumb wrapped in bags of frozen vegetables. Pace the floor when the nausea no longer allows you to stay in bed. Curse your husband for sleeping so soundly through your misery.

Act 2

Cry bitter tears and beg for mercy while your husband drills a hole (or three) in the black nail, in an attempt to bleed the nail before your thumb explodes.

Act 3

Answer endless questions from your two-year-old about the door and your thumb and the bag of corn on your thumb and Daddy making a hole in the thumb and Mommy crying and the door and your thumb. Feel ashamed for being so weepy and whiny in front of her.

Act 4

Continue to feel wiped out and slightly vomitous; encourage your child for the first time in her life to watch DVDs all day long.

Act 5

Stay up later than you should, typing blog posts with two fingers because you dread lying in bed all night while your thumb throbs and your husband snores. Weigh the benefits of attempting to take your socks or pants off without using said thumb. Decide it's not worth it, grab a bag of frozen peas and fall into bed with much muttering and gnashing of teeth.



Blogger alice said...

Oh, man! Ouch! That sucks!

I've so been there before. I did the exact same thing to my finger while the Charles and Diana were getting married on live television back in the day (only I used a sliding glass door). It was definitely the most memorable part of the wedding, but only because I almost blacked out from the freakish pain. The good news, though, is that it didn't hurt for very long, and the whole turning black and falling off part was actually pretty cool. ;-D

11:30 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I'm feeling ill myself reading about your experience. I hope your thumb calms down soon. Oh your poor thing.

Too bad you don't have Vicodin to pop. If you have Advil, take like 8 at a time. With a lot of water. Seriously.

It was what the hospital told me to take when I had my c-section in lieu of Vicodin. For some reason, it was their policy not to prescribe it to new moms.

Hmm....I wonder why?

2:56 AM  
Blogger Cara said...

Yuck. When I hit my thumb between a fastball and a metal bat (don't ask, just know it was painful!) when I was in seventh grade, I walked around with my hand held above my heart for about two weeks. It helped with the throbbing. My friend slammed her thumb in her 1986 Chevy truck door when we were in college and they drilled a hole thru her nail at the emergency room.
I feel for you.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Ouch! Hope it feels better QUICK!

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously? You let Marc drill holes in your nail?

12:09 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Geez!!!! I hope you feel a little better by now.

11:58 PM  
Blogger courtney said...

personally, i felt the pacing in this play was all off. and the set design was too minimal for my broadway sensabilities. the blocking was rudimentary and the stage instructions were predictable. in short this terrible, terrible play should NEVER be reenacted. i hope your thumb feels better soon and i miss you.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

oh man...great now my thumb is throbbing and my knees are weak.
I hope your on the mend.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Bernard said...

Did you disinfect the drill bit? :-)

Seriously that sounds really sore. It reminded me of the time I slammed a door on my thumb and that was back in the 80s. Ouch, ouch.

I hope it feels better soon. I'm sure the colors must be wonderful!!

10:47 AM  
Blogger KentT said...

Hi Paige,

New definition: MegaHertz! How your finger feels after encountering a door or how your foot feels if a 300 pound tape recorder falls on your foot (if you can feel it).

7:43 PM  

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