June 06, 2006

The Merry Month of Pffttt
Ok, so May was a bad time and I am glad to be shut of it. All month I struggled to keep my head above a yucky soup of delayed post-partum, maladjustment to change, sleeplessness, and teething issues. (THE MOLARS. SWEET JESUS - THE MOLARS.) I had been worried about how Olivia would adjust to Marc's return, our move, me quitting my job, moving to her own bed, etc. But I didn't really anticipate that it might be equally difficult for us. I can't really explain why I have had such a hard time. (Though more than a year without a solid night's sleep might have something to do with it. Seriously. It'll make you all kinds of irritable.)

I think that much of it has been that there is part of me that wants this time in my life to be "Perfect." I want to feel like I am being the Best Mom, the Best Wife, that I am completely fulfilled and that this is all that I ever dreamed it would be. But the truth is that this is hard and it is messy and I very often don't know what I am doing. I have second guessed every decision that I have made this month and damn near made myself crazy with it. It isn't just about me anymore and the responsibility of that is immense.

There haven't been many periods of my life when I have truly felt that I could relax and be satisfied with what I was doing, where I was. I have always been looking at what comes next, what I need to do in order to make this relationship work or that career decision jell. Always in a state of flux and often paralyzed by the options. Now I find myself with a good relationship, a beautiful daughter - I should finally feel perfect and perfectly satisfied. But when May blew in like a lion and Olivia wouldn't sleep and I didn't know how to help her, and I didn't feel like Marc was supporting me as much as I needed and I didn't know how to ask for more, and I didn't feel creative or inspired or capable - only tired....well, it wasn't Perfect.

But what it is, is what it is. It is my life and my life together with my husband and daughter. It doesn't start on The Day When Everything is Perfect. It is now and I only have now to do the best that I can. And Olivia doesn't know perfect from diddly anyway. She just wants me to be there with her and for her. And I can do that. It might not be perfect but it will be me. Her Mom.

So for June, I am vowing to give it what I have got and be satisfied that it is enough. I am going to relax and not worry so much about how dirty Olivia's knees are from all of Moose's hair. (How is it that the dog is not bald? I sweep constantly and there is still hair everywhere.) I am going to stop soliciting random advice on how to get a toddler to sleep. (OK, no, I am not. Do you know how to get a toddler to sleep? Email me.) We are going to play at the park and feed half of our lunches to Moose and nap when and where we can and read books and pull all of the tupperware out of the cabinets. And everything will be Just Fine.


Post a Comment

<< Home