July 12, 2006

O is no longer breastfeeding. She had only been nursing in the mornings and at bedtime for awhile, and then only at bedtime. In preparation for the New York trip, we cut out the bedtime boobie. She hasn't indicated that she's really noticed; she hasn't asked to nurse or been out of sorts at bedtime. Though she is really into giving me "zerberts" on my stomach right now and there have been a couple of times when I thought she might be heading north, but she doesn't seem to be missing it. It was probably harder on me. I was hoping to be able to nurse her for a year and then that year sailed right by. She wasn't always easy to nurse (pinching, occasionally biting, nursing off and on all night), but I enjoyed it all the same - the closeness, the ease, the Magic Which Fixes the Fussy, all the good health benefits (though I have been reading all of these articles that have been coming out lately about all the nasty stuff that is filtering into breast milk - completely freaks me out).

In the last few weeks, it has been relatively easy to put her down for the night and I have really enjoyed that time with her. We would kiss Daddy and then go around her room, closing the shades and telling the world good-night. We turned on her fan and picked out a book, which most of the time she didn't really want to have read to her as she would be tired and ready for sleep. I would nurse her and stroke her hair or arm as she drifted off, then put her into bed and watch her turn over and settle herself. I loved having the opportunity to see her like that, relaxed and tucked safely into her bed. After all that we have been through with the (not) sleeping, it was especially sweet to have those moments together each night.

It's amazing how quickly children can get into and out of a routine. We have already got a new bedtime thing going, and while it doesn't work quite as well as what we were doing before, it is awfully sweet. Where she would have nursed, O lets me sing to her now. She cuddles back against me and I warble all off-key and everything, Que Sera Sera. Do you know the song? I don't really love all the words - "Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" - but my mom sang it to me when I was a girl and I loved it. My mom isn't the best singer, but I never got tired of hearing her. The first time O sat still and let me sing to her, I was amazed and felt like I needed to be very gentle to as not to scare the fragile moment away. I've sung to her every night since.

Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera



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