August 06, 2007

Take this as you will, but I feel that I am probably putting out some weird energy this week. Everything seems about 14 degrees off and I feel a bit...static-y.

Marc's grandfather died two night before I had the miscarriage and we traveled to GA on Thursday for his memorial. He had been quite ill; the loss is hard for Marc and his family. Marc sort of put on his game face and soldiered through the week, while I have vacillated between wanting to talk a lot about the miscarriage (perhaps inappropriately to near-strangers) and not wanting to think about anything at all.

O has been freaking out and I have had little patience for her, I am ashamed to say. I know that she knows something is wrong; at the least, she thinks that "Mommy doesn't feel well." She has told me 100 times this week, "It's OK, Mommy," but she has also hit and kicked me as many times and unfortunately I have reacted more strongly to that behavior. We all three have come down with some kind of cold/mystery flu and that hasn't helped matters much.

At some point this weekend, I lost my brand-new camera, the one Marc gave me for my birthday less than a month ago and it has nearly unhinged me. I have re-traced my steps, gone back to all my weekend destinations, turned the house upside's nowhere. And I have been ANGRY about it. I know that it isn't all about the camera, but it is a convenient place to dump some of it.

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Anonymous katiek said...

Oh Paige, I'll send some good vibes your way. I know exactly what you mean about your camera. I lost mine at the beach and by an act of God a kind stranger found it and me. There is a time where you are allowed to feel crappy. So if you need it, vent. And these loses will be shining medals in your history. You need lots of hugs together with Mark and O as well.((((((hugs)))))))

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am keeping you all and marc's family in my thoughts and prayers. the thought of the life/death cycle is so sad and scary. it makes me want to lay down in the floor, kick and scream, "its not fair!" what a hard season for you all! metaphorically speaking, may the heat of this season close and be replaced with peaceful, cool walks full of colorful clarity and rejuvination brought by fall. Vanessa P.S. (if you think the kicking and screaming thing may help, call me...i will join in)

9:28 PM  
Blogger Paige said...

Thanks, Katie. Glad that you are back from the beach. I've missed your blogging!

I appreciate it, Vanessa. And I will call you.

8:52 AM  

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