So I was keeping a secret from the blog. Trying to decide how much to disclose and when. Writing and rewriting posts in my head. I wanted to talk about ambivalence and what goes into making life-changing decisions and then how it feels to have made one. I wanted to talk about plans and hopes and fears and more ambivalence. And I wanted to talk about the future, about just letting go and having faith and moving forward. I still want to talk about those things, but now I have to talk about something else too.

When O was diagnosed in February, I thought that I might be pregnant. Marc and I had been talking about having a baby. Or I had been talking about having a baby. Marc had put in his two cents ("Let's do it!") and then listened patiently while I went through my pro and con lists ad nauseam. I was concerned about Olivia. She is a very hands-on little girl. She is at my side an average of 20 hours out of any day. She wants to be where I am when I am there and wants all of my attention on her. I lay down with her for naps, I lay down to get her to sleep at night, and now I get up several times a night to check her blood sugar. She still prefers to be carried. Just typing that makes me feel tired and I feared that I would not have the energy for another baby now. I know that we could wait awhile, wait until O is a bit older, but I am 36. I don't want to be pregnant at 37 or 38 and then start over with a baby when I have just gotten O out of diapers and fully into her pre-school years. I was also concerned about our resources. We carry some fairly massive debt from Marc's student loans. I didn't want to take on the responsibility of another child if we could not afford it.

But I do want another child and so does Marc. I want to raise siblings and I hope for Olivia to have another close family member who is invested in helping her take care of herself. I know that sounds like I want to have another child just so that she or he can be of assistance to O, but I don't mean that. I just want there to be more people to love and care about each other in our family.

Thankfully, I was not pregnant in February. It could not have been a worse time. But once we got O home and started to get back on our feet as a family in our new world, I started thinking again about a baby. Now in addition to my initial concerns, I felt ashamed at wanting to have another. What if this baby also developed type 1? How could I live with myself? How could I take the chance? How would I explain to that child that I knew he or she was at risk, but I went ahead just because I really wanted another baby? I wound myself around and around with worry. Constant ambivalence. I talked with our nurse practitioner whose husband has type 1 and with whom she has two children. I talked with some other D bloggers (thanks!). Marc and I eventually had genetic counseling through a diabetes research study and were told that any future children of ours were low-risk. We talked more, talked with our families. And finally I just decided to lay all the worry down, relax and see what happened.

And I got pregnant, just like that. We were going to wait to tell people, but I told my mom and Alish and Marc told his family and it just snowballed. I was still nervous, still having cold sweats just thinking about the constant worry that I will have over whether or not this child will be diagnosed. But I was excited, too. And I was excited for O, looking forward to telling her about the baby in Mommy's tummy, looking forward to seeing my two children together.

But something wasn't right. I felt crampy too often. I didn't really feel any other symptoms. I got nervous about the pregnancy. And Sunday morning, I woke up in pain and bleeding. By afternoon, it was over. I had miscarried at seven weeks.

So where am I now? Ambivalent. It wasn't meant to be. Do we try again? Do I leave it alone? I'm still too numb to start making decisions. But I wonder if being back at square one is an opportunity to make a different choice this time.

I would love to know how all this came about.



These are inmates in a prison in the Philippines. Lots of them. Doing a mighty fine version of Thriller.

Go figure.

I got an email from Alish with the definition of the word "imminent" and a friendly reminder that I had yet to post any photos. Sorry for the suspense...they all sort of look like this:

 

Turns out that painting light blues and greens and white on top of browns and mustards and putty requires many a coat. Marc worked extremely hard for a man on vacation. Everything looks great, and while we aren't quite done, we can get the rest knocked out some weekend soon. I considered the whole thing a success when Marc said the other night, "Wow, it feels really good in here."

In other news, we took O to the endo this week and her A1c has decreased from 7.7 to 7.4 and the nurse practitioner said that this did not look like it had come at the price of too many lows. In fact, I was really surprised again because it feels like she has been high all the time lately. In the evening, the smallest snack sends her soaring and we have been doing a lot of correcting in the middle of the night. I was reading in the forums over at tu diabetes that several parents have mentioned that same situation with their toddlers this summer. I don't know what's going on, but it has me worried. We increased her Levemir again yesterday, but I haven't seen much effect today. In fact, she's been above 200 all day and I have been putting cotton balls in her diapers to try and check for ketones. I got a Precision meter from our endo team so that we can check for ketones in the blood because this whole cotton ball thing is dicey. (So thankful for our nurse practitioner - we have yet to pay for a meter, except for the one that the hospital "gave" us at diagnosis for which they probably charged us a grand.) However, I haven't gotten any strips yet because the pharmacy had to order them. They are $50 for ten and the pharmacist says that insurance won't cover them, despite our prescription, because they are over the counter. As I type this, I realize this is probably not right. Her other strips are OTC and insurance covers them. Right? OK, I'll pick that fight next week.

Update: I meant to include a definition of the A1c for those not familiar and in the process discovered that maybe I don't know exactly what it means. I found this quote on a website: "The A1c test gives a picture of the average amount of glucose in the blood over the last few months." However, my understanding was that it is not so much an average as it is a picture of how often the BG has been high. Anyone? Bernard?

OK, well, I would post some pictures except that the cord for the camera lives in something that at present remains under a drop cloth and I don't have the heart to uncover said piece of furniture because I would then have to recover it and that would make me very sad because much like this sentence, the painting of our house Will.Not.End.

Painting in progress.
Marriage intact.
Pictures imminent.

We went on our version of a date last night: dinner out with Olivia - the epitome of relaxation. I'm kidding...it was fine, but she is reaching the age where she requires a lot of jazz hands and spirit fingers to keep her entertained. She is always finishing her dinner about the time that ours are arriving.

We walked the Riverwalk over to the Hunter Museum to see the fireworks. I would have taken some pictures, but it is difficult to do so with a two-year-old glommed onto your neck. The first BOOM brought a shriek and a demand to be taken home.

 

2 seconds prior to fireworks - 3 seconds prior to screaming

We retreated a bit and she allowed herself to enjoy the show from there, even coming out with a couple of appreciative, "fireWORKS! fireWORKS!"

 

We went back to Hunter today for some promised toddler activities which, for the most part, did not materialize, but we enjoyed the museum and spent some time relaxing. It was a nice way to spend a day in the middle of the week and kicks off what promises to be an interesting 7 days for us: Paint the House 2007. Marc and I diverge wildly on how we see this venture: I will be amazed if we get everything done. AMAZED. He thinks that everything will be knocked out just in time for him to kick back and watch the Tour de France. We shall see.

 

Anyway, hope that it was a good 4th for all. Here's my obligatory link to the Declaration of Independence, just in case you didn't get a chance to read or hear it read this year.