Tennessee Mountain Cur

Do the BiG Blue Test, on World Diabetes Day

2010-11-04T09:30:00.001-04:00

Please help. It couldn't be any easier.

sweet Sawyer

2010-09-22T10:39:00.002-04:00

"Oops. Sorry, Mommy."

"That's okay. It just fell."

"I love you, Mommy."

2010-08-26T16:18:00.002-04:00

The drowsy 3am musings of a five-year-old...

"Mom, I need you!"

"Back when I was a baby and I used to watch Elmo's World? And they would sing, 'La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, Elmo's World?'"

"Yes?"

"That's what I was singing, too, but in my head it was, "La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, Olivia's World."

Last day as a four-year-old...

2010-04-20T22:24:00.007-04:00

18 months

2010-01-27T06:54:00.001-05:00

Big boy. So loving. So full of life.

He calls Marc "Papa" and Olivia "Thith." He calls out "Mama" hundreds of times a day. "Hot," "ball" and "dog" are also on heavy rotation.

He's independent and can entertain himself for long periods of time with kitchen utensils, but when he decides he wants to be carried, there is no putting him down. He retreats to the laundry room to have his tantrums. He is extremely strong-willed.

He's curious and affectionate and charming. He looks for Olivia when she's at school and gives her hugs when she comes home. He loves his people and lets us know.

Happy year-and-a-half, Sawyer. I don't know how we managed before you came along...

My Boys

2010-01-21T15:14:00.001-05:00

have you seen this?

2009-12-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

if not, you should.

2009-11-30T21:40:00.002-05:00

Blowing the dust off this blog, I realize that my last entry was the first day of this month. Seeing as how this is the last day of this month, posting today sort of makes this November the anti-NaBloPoMo for me this year.

(Also? I've been away from the blog so long that I had to Google how to put in that hyperlink.)

I am a bit on the fence with letting the blog continue to languish, re-dedicating myself to its upkeep, or just letting it die. Lately, I start a post and then get distracted. Or something that I would have put on the blog in the past, I just put on Facebook instead. Or I start a post and then realize that what I am writing about references something that has happened that has not yet been written about and I think that I need to back up and write about that before I can continue my present post and then...delete.

I might not have even put this up tonight if I hadn't earlier mentioned to someone (*waves and blows kiss*) that I was going to do it.

2009-11-01T20:46:00.001-05:00

Somebody wasn't so sure how he felt about his Halloween costume...

Wait, now he's got it...

He hated it.

(But he looked so freakin' cute.)

Ready for Fall

2009-10-20T14:35:00.002-04:00

2009-10-14T23:12:00.000-04:00

When I got up to check Olivia in the night, I could see the outline of him on the dining room floor. Like an arrow, pointed out the door. I listened for a minute to his panting, gripped with both grief and relief. He's not comfortable and the vet said he will never be comfortable again. I said that I wanted to bring him home for the night and would bring him back the next day. "I'll stay with him, if that's okay."

He rested easily through the day, but couldn't really move around and had to be helped to the porch when we took him out into our yard one last time. Forgetting, I called him out of the car at the vet's and he tried to comply, but fell on the parking lot. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

They took him away to put a catheter in his vein and brought him back with a shaved place on his front paw. I remembered him as a puppy with a spot just like that after the vet pumped his stomach the one and only time that he ate things he shouldn't have.

They laid him on the table with a blanket underneath. I knew that it was in case he used the bathroom, but I appreciated that it looked more comfortable than sterile. As soon as they started the meds, he laid his head between his paws and that was it. Very quick, very peaceful. He was gone.

What can you say about a dog? He was loyal, he was sweet. Most dogs I have known were, but this one was special. He was my good and true companion.

Tucker Moose Grits

Never enough hours...

2009-09-26T12:18:00.003-04:00

This week...

- Sawyer started walking. He took two steps, then three a few days later. This morning he was practically running all over the living room.

- Olivia (finally) decided to poop on the potty. Bribery might have been involved. Bribery referred to by Olivia as "ice cream for poop." As in, "Can we go get ice cream for poop now?"

After a couple of days of this, she told me, "I don't need anymore ice cream. I'm used to the potty now."

- I weaned Sawyer. I didn't necessarily want to, but he continued to be a biting, fidgety nurser. He was also up too many times during the night wanting to latch on and then fall back asleep. I was miserable. He's done pretty well with the weaning, only occasionally patting or laying his his head on my chest and pulling at my shirt. He's easily distracted though. And he's sleeping much better.

2009-08-11T22:44:00.001-04:00

Last year we tried pre-school. She wasn't ready.

This year? This year she's ready!

And so, off we went this morning. She had her backpack and her kit. She had her gluten-free snacks and lunch with all the carb counts written out.

Her teachers had all their instructions and diagrams.

And me? I had all my free-floating anxiety. No, I was fine. Mostly because she was so excited.

And it went well. Better than that. It went great. And she's already looking forward to going back on Thursday. She played dress-up and made friends. She ate her snack and talked about books in circle time. She loves her teacher. She had fun. And not one tear was shed. My big girl.

I'm going to need a minute to get into character.

2009-08-05T14:41:00.002-04:00

"Okay, Mommy. Let's pretend that we're pirates and it's Valentine's Day and we're having a yard sale."

2009-08-02T22:55:00.002-04:00

My friend, Francene, just opened a new Etsy shop. Check her out...

How does it happen?

2009-07-27T08:57:00.000-04:00

From this...

to this in one short year...

Happy birthday, baby boy. We love you.

Mama's boy

2009-07-15T23:07:00.005-04:00

And yes, that is how he "crawls."

2009-05-26T22:09:00.002-04:00

Sonia Sotomayor , President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, has Type 1 diabetes.

I've been running around all day and busy at my mom's, so I just found out tonight when Marc told me. I got chills.

As usual, Amy at Diabetes Mine has a great post up about using this as a "teachable moment." Already there's a lot of press, a lot of questions, a lot of misconceptions to be cleared up.

I'm really excited to tell Olivia tomorrow. The whole Supreme Court thing won't mean much to her at this point, but I think that my excitement will rub off.

Sawyer Meets the Sandbox

2009-05-24T22:55:00.003-04:00

The Dinner Guests - A Cautionary Tale

2009-05-17T22:13:00.007-04:00

1. Show up late to New Friend's house for first "Let's get the husbands and family together" dinner. Bring well-behaved pre-schooler, adorable baby and yummy dessert.

2. Get kids settled in and husbands introduced. Smile and relax as wine and conversation flow.

3. "Ooh" and "ahh" over yummy-looking dinner coming out of oven. Look forward to consuming said dinner with more of said wine and conversation.

4. Turn on stove in preparation for gluten-free noodles for child's dinner. Barely register when New Friend asks whether cooling-on-stovetop casserole should be boiling.

5. Laugh and joke with New Friends right up to the point where explosive pop sends glass and chicken all over stove. Hear Husband exclaim, "You turned on the wrong eye." Die a little inside.

6. Scramble with New Friend and husbands in attempt to salvage what is left of dinner. Marvel that everyone seems open to possibility of eating the top off the casserole.

7. Snort with semi-hysterical laughter as you fan smoke towards open windows, realizing that you have ruined dinner but your New Friends don't seem to be holding it against you.

7. Yell "FIRE!"

8. Check on children. Think about silencing fire alarm. Stare stupidly at flame.

9. Take giant step back as New Friend pulls out a fire extinguisher.

10. Jump and shy like scared horse as fire extinguisher explodes into action, covering flame, dinner, stove, and everything nearby in yellow dust.

11. Wish that one could go back a few minutes in time, back to when a ruined dinner seemed like the ultimate in humiliation.

12. Recognize that feeling in stomach as a deep and abiding need for a tall, frosty adult beverage.

13. Fall in love a little when New Friends seem to think that the evening has been, if nothing else, fun.

2009-05-11T20:55:00.005-04:00

Since going off gluten a little more than four months ago, Olivia has grown over an inch and gained almost five and a half pounds. Four months. Five pounds. So, while she was never symptomatic, the celiac was obviously interfering with her ability to properly utilize what she was eating. Either that or she just had one hell of a growth spurt.

Her A1c is 7.2, which is respectable for someone her age and is lower than the day she went on the pump, but is higher than it had been in the last year or so of multiple daily injections. Disappointing. But she was sick a lot this winter and we did struggle with getting everything dialed in when she first went on the pump. Still.

In other news...Four? Four beats the hell out of Three. No contest. I am already loving Four. This was a hard winter for us and I am going to lay a lot of that at Three's door. Three was massive day-long tantrums. Three was exceedingly unreasonable. Four dislikes warms baths and is into screaming and fit-pitching, but Four can talk about Four's feelings. Four and I have been having fun.

Sawyer is not yet crawling, but did say his first word on Mother's Day...bye-bye. Sawyer is going to be my "get into everything" baby. He's the Ninja. You don't know how he got under that table or what that thing is that's in his mouth, but he did it with a quickness. My already light blog posting is sure to fall off to nothing when he starts crawling and walking.

Olivia at four

2009-04-21T22:05:00.001-04:00

happy birthday, baby girl...

2009-04-20T23:35:00.002-04:00

her last day as a three-year-old...

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T21:44:00.001-04:00

2009-04-11T19:58:00.001-04:00

Olivia: "Momma, I think that the Easter Bunny is going to come in our house, clean our kitchen and hop on down the bunny trail."

Bring it, bunny.

Overheard in Chattanooga

2009-03-27T23:37:00.003-04:00

but I would like to un-hear it...

"So, were ya'll having any of that trouble down there with, you know, the immigrants?"

"Oh, I don't know. I mean it's there, but we don't see it."

"Uh huh."

"It's like in New Orleans. It's not really a problem, because it's all, you know, in the ghetto."

in like a lion...

2009-03-26T22:54:00.002-04:00

2009-03-07T10:32:00.001-05:00

playing with Daddy...

2009-02-05T20:17:00.002-05:00

Olivia has had her pump for almost three weeks now and while we have had some issues with it, I am already so mentally and emotionally far away from the shots that I don't think I can ever go back. It's as if we were, out of necessity and hardship, eating food that was half-spoiled. Day in and day out, we forced the stuff down until we got to a place where we hardly noticed that our food was rancid. And then one day...Fresh apples and oranges! Beautiful cuts of meat! Bowls of hot couscous! Brownies! And just like that, the thought, even the thought of eating that other becomes too horrible to bear.

OK, so I have some strong feelings about giving Olivia shots.

(Please. No offense at all intended to anyone who is on shots or giving their child shots. I am just so, so glad not to have to do it today. And I hope that we won't have to do it tomorrow.)

six months old today...

2009-01-27T07:54:00.000-05:00

sunnier and more amazing by the minute.

all systems go, people

2009-01-20T21:27:00.001-05:00

This was Friday. Olivia and Sawyer have both been tight in the grip of a nasty sickness since, but O's numbers have been decent-ish and I feel like falling to the floor and weeping big tears of gratitude everytime I touch, look at, or speak of the pump.

2009-01-15T19:48:00.002-05:00

"Hey, Mommy? Tomorrow can I watch that movie again? The one I watched with Miles and Ivy? Peas in a Can?"

"Peas in a Can? When did you watch a movie called Peas in a Can?"

"Today. You know...the one with Tinkerbell and the alligator and Hook."

"Oh right. That Peas in a Can."

So, guess what?

2009-01-09T11:05:00.001-05:00

2008-12-25T09:18:00.001-05:00

Santa delivered on the pony.

Merry Christmas!

Just a thought

2008-12-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

that I wish I could quit having.

Olivia has had diabetes more than half of her life.

so busy

2008-12-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

2008-12-07T20:38:00.001-05:00

Someone thinks she's getting a pony for Christmas.

2008-11-30T20:46:00.001-05:00

Good-bye, NaBloPoMo...hello, Christmas!

O waiting patiently for Daddy to bring in the tree

2008-11-29T22:29:00.002-05:00

Currently on heavy rotation at our house...

2008-11-28T22:32:00.001-05:00

Guest blogging by Olivia...

2008-11-27T22:23:00.001-05:00

"And what are you thankful for, Olivia?"

"Mommy and Daddy and Sawyer. Oh, and fairies and princesses. And reindeer."

2008-11-26T22:28:00.001-05:00

2008-11-25T21:33:00.003-05:00

Olivia had her endo appointment last week. I was dreading her A1c. Her numbers haven't really been out of control (except for the post-bedtime high that seems to arrive every night when her Humalog wears off), but I feel like diabetes management has not been top-of-mind recently. Her A1c had gone up, but only slightly from 6.9 to 7.1. I know that we have been the cause of that and I know that we can get it back down.

I was also dreading the appointment because they were going to take blood this time. We have talked about doing it for the last couple appointments, but it got pushed back each time. They would take three vials for the celiac screen, cholesterol, etc. The last couple of weeks have had O at the doctor a lot for general unpleasantness and I didn't want to put her through this, but I did want it out of the way. She cried a lot but held very still and got it done. We were glad it was over and I almost didn't give it another thought once we got out the door.

But the nurse practitioner called yesterday. Four out of five of the antibodies for celiac were positive. Four out of five. Positive. Celiac disease. And the numbers are so out of whack, so high, that there is almost no question, even though Olivia has been exhibiting no symptoms.

Part of me is just mad as hell. Just pissed. It all just seems so ridiculous. Like a cruel joke.

Another part of me is just trying to get on with it. Accept it and start thinking about how to get Olivia to eat more vegetables.

We still have to see a GI doctor in a couple of weeks and I have a lot of research to do. Apparently we are not supposed to change her diet until she has a biopsy, but since the treatment is the same regardless of whether or not the bowel has been damaged and we hope we have caught this early, I intend to question the need for the procedure.

It feels like I have all these pieces scattered all over - O's diabetes, this celiac panel, immune system issues that have come up for Marc and me - I don't know how to put everything together and keep us all healthy. And in the back of my mind, there is this: what about Sawyer?

2008-11-24T20:41:00.001-05:00

I'm empty tonight.

2008-11-23T22:03:00.001-05:00

This seems to be how Olivia remembers the party.

So that's good.

2008-11-22T23:58:00.004-05:00

I just wanted her to be able to be a normal kid having a normal time at a birthday party. I wanted her to play and not be afraid. I wanted her to not have to worry about what she had eaten or how much insulin she had taken. I wanted to be able to stand around with the other parents as she ran and slid and jumped. But instead I made a rookie mistake and didn't give her enough snack. She ran and played until she started to go low and then she stopped and cried. She spent most of the rest of the party feeling clingy and afraid.

I know that she doesn't get to be a normal kid, but sometimes it just hits harder and hurts more.

2008-11-21T22:23:00.002-05:00

I realize that I haven't really talked that much about Sawyer. All the standard baby stuff applies: he's cute and most of the time he smells good. But this little guy has a special sweetness that's all his own.

He's a cuddler and a full-body smiler. It starts with widening eyes and a big, gummy grin and then spreads to his tips and toes. Very charming.

He's nuts about Olivia, though I have been on the receiving end of several "Help me out here, Mommy, I fear she means me harm" looks when she was swooping in on him.

Sleep problems notwithstanding, when he opens his eyes to check and see if I am there, gives me a sleepy smile, and then falls back to sleep, I get pretty swoony.

2008-11-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

Wait...what's this?

Changing clothes?

No, just adding an extra pair of socks.

We actually spent the better part of the day making snowflakes.

It was pretty awesome.

2008-11-19T21:51:00.003-05:00

Can't type. Too busy with laundry. One of Marc's co-workers gave us two huge bags of clothes that his daughter had outgrown and I am under strict orders to have everything washed by the time Olivia wakes up in the morning. Sigh.

Don't get me wrong. The clothes are adorable and we are grateful to have them, but Hair and Wardrobe have become a bit of an issue lately. Olivia has long held firm opinions about what she wears and I am a big-time "pick your battles" kind of mom, so it has not been a problem. Perhaps you have seen the child with the headband AND the three pigtails AND the barrettes wearing her pajamas underneath a dress? Yeah, she's with me. As long as it is weather-appropriate, I am almost always cool with her picking out her clothes. What I am not cool with is helping her into one of these get-ups, only to have her decide an hour later that she was wrong...this is not today's get-up. Today's get-up was to consist of tights, socks, two skirts, something with a hood and that one barrette with the ladybug that she had that one time. I used to indulge this when it didn't involve the elaborate coifs, but I am over it now.

It was at one time a major battle to get a brush near O's head and I am grateful that we have moved beyond that. I am not very good with the ponytails and the pigtails and the braids, but I do enjoy spending the time with her each morning as I put her hair up. Once it's up, however, the hair can't just be up; it can't be disturbed and it can't be "shaky." "My ponytails are SHAKY!" We hear a lot of this - meaning that her ponytails aren't tight enough and that she needs to take everything out and have you start over again. And she has gotten pretty neurotic and tyrannical about it. I find myself constantly checking my pockets for hair accoutrements. Heaven forbid she want a pink rubberband when I only have a blue.

So. We had to have a little sit-down last week. We gently suggested that perhaps too much time was going into all of this prep each day and that there was going to be a limit to how many times a day she could change her clothes and how many times a day she could take her hair down and expect someone to put it back up. And it went over pretty well.

But then The Bags showed up. You should have seen her...there were so many stripes to be paired with dots. Several pieces had kitty cats all over them! And fruit...she loves fruit! And does that one have an ice cream cone on it? She was over the moon. Guess I know what we'll be doing tomorrow.

2008-11-18T12:51:00.000-05:00

This tickles me.

2008-11-17T16:38:00.003-05:00

Olivia and her father today on speaker phone...

O: Hi, Daddy. What are you doing?
M: Getting my oil changed. I'll be home soon.
O: Oh, ok. I love you.
M: I love you, too.
*click*
O: Who was that?

baby boy in the bath

2008-11-16T21:08:00.001-05:00

2008-11-15T23:00:00.004-05:00

O seems to be feeling much better, though we are still getting a lot of "Huh? What did you say?" She hasn't complained about any pain and has stopped pulling on the ear, so I think that the antibiotics are already working. Sawyer is a bit stuffy, but seems to be feeling better. I am ashamed at how late we kept him up tonight. We had friends over for dinner and I just couldn't get him to sleep.

It's eleven and the house is quiet. It was as close as we have come to a nice, relaxing day in a long time. It was a rough week all around and I am looking forward to next week being something different. If it isn't, I'll keep it to myself. I'll make up some stories or tell you more about that bok choy.

Madcap Dash to the Pediatrician, Take 2

2008-11-14T17:33:00.004-05:00

OK, this time Mom, why don't you play it frantic?
Wait no, let's try stoic and you can just allude to frantic. Maybe something like in the way you are chewing your lip or the fact that your hair has obviously not been brushed.
OK, OK, and you can be sick too. Maybe you've lost your voice. Yeah, and so when you are driving down the road, we can have the baby screaming and the toddler crying about her ear and asking you questions over and over again, but she won't be able to hear your answers because you have no voice! And she just keeps asking and asking.
And then we'll cut to the waiting room and the baby's in the stroller and he's fallen asleep, but this wild little kid comes in and starts goofing off and you can start throwing beseeching looks at the father as he signs in, but he'll be all oblivious and then the kid will wake the baby up. Yeah.
So then they take you back to the room and the toddler is crying now and the baby wants to nurse and you are just waiting and waiting and then as soon as you start to nurse, the toddler's going to say, "Mommy, I have to potty."
So finally, we'll have the doctor come in and he'll check her out and say, "Yep, that's a raging ear infection."
OK, action!

2008-11-13T22:34:00.001-05:00

Who's a big boy?

2008-11-12T22:06:00.005-05:00

Dear Friend/Loved One/You:

I am sorry that I haven't called you back/returned your email/sent you a text. Get on Facebook and we can have a real relationship.

I would love to go to dinner/have coffee/attend your art opening. But I can't because I have kids/a cold/no clean clothes. Maybe some other time.

I am thinking of you though. Rest assured that next week when things are smoother, I will send you that thank you note/return that thing I borrowed/pay you back.

Your friend/ex-roommate/girl you knew from somewhere,

Paige

Things I could be blogging about today...

2008-11-11T22:08:00.002-05:00

I've been sitting around trying to put together something other than complaints about my kids' sleep habits or links about the election. I haven't come up with much, so instead I'll just list the things that I am not going to blog about.

1. What a crappy job I feel that I have been doing lately as a parent
2. How badly Marc and I need a evening out
3. Which pieces are missing and need to be replaced from my breast pump
4. Christmas
5. Bok choy

Probably should have just posted some pictures, huh?

2008-11-10T21:06:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday, Olivia and I spent the better part of the day at her doctor's office trying to find out why she couldn't pee. The morning started off rough with me edgy and impatient, just wanting the election over and in the bag, and then moved straight into Really, Really Bad with her having to be catheterized after the doctor was unable to get any urine to test for infection. By the time we got back to my mom's house - in what was my smartest move of the day, I had picked my mom up and taken her with us to the pediatrician's - Olivia was worn out and I was weepy. My step-father was - how shall I say? - less than excited or gracious about the turn the election was taking and very vocal about his feelings. It was not exactly what I had in mind for Election Night. By the time we got home and got the kids to sleep, I was done. I stayed up (of course), but it was more of a relieved "whew!" than an ecstatic "WOO HOO!!!"

Tonight, I found this link and as I watched, I felt tears come to my eyes and I got excited all over again. This video, of course, led me to many others similar in spirit and I spent about 15 minutes watching people in Seattle, California and Kenya celebrate a new beginning.

Olivia has been feeling much better and the pediatrician called on Thursday. She doesn't have an infection.

2008-11-09T21:02:00.002-05:00

I'm shredded. Olivia dropped a spoon on a dish last night and I nearly screamed, it startled me so badly. I need a vacation/massage/drink/xanax drip.

2008-11-08T12:51:00.005-05:00

Sawyer is not sleeping. Not.Sleeping. I am starting to get that edgy desperation that I used to feel about Olivia's inability to sleep when she was a baby. Looking at this baby's little red-rimmed eyes stresses me out.

Where Olivia did not sleep from the get-go, Sawyer started off pretty well and then got even better. A couple of weeks ago, he was pretty much sleeping through the night. He is still doing pretty well at night, waking around 1:00a and then again at 5:00a. But his evening and daytime routines are shot to hell. Yesterday and today both, I think he napped for less than an hour.

When he's not sleeping, he wants to be held. This is going over famously with his sister. I can't do anything that she wants me to do except watch movies or cartoons. Playing is hard, fixing her hair over and over again is out. Even fixing her snacks and meals is difficult to do while he screams from his seat.

Now, Olivia seemed to come ready-made this way, but I don't know. She was my first. Sawyer seems to have developed it. The common thread though is us. Have we done something to bring this on? I never was able to "fix" it with Olivia. And it is making me feel a little bit despondent to think that we have several more years of serious sleep issues ahead of us.

2008-11-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

Olivia has started asking when she won't have to take insulin anymore. I tell her that people are working very hard for a cure and when they find that cure, she won't have to take her medicine. If she seems in the mood for more, I talk about the pump.

At any given time on any given day, I might call Olivia's name, only to be told, "I'm Hannah." Hannah is her alter-ego. Hannah is a mom or Hannah goes to school. Olivia asked me again today about not taking medicine and when I finished my answer, she said, "Well, I'm Hannah. And Hannah doesn't have to take insulin."

2008-11-06T22:01:00.002-05:00

President-Elect Obama's new website.

November 4, 2008

2008-11-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

I keep sitting down to try and write something about yesterday, but I am distracted by the remnants of dinner on the table, a pile of laundry on the couch and a baby who will.not.sleep. Real life goes on.

I am excited, though, and hopeful and it feels so good to be able to say that. It's been a long time coming.

Go vote!

2008-11-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

Image by Callie Shell. More here.

holding my breath

2008-11-03T17:28:00.000-05:00

inept

2008-11-02T21:06:00.002-05:00

OK, technical question. I am trying to add a NaBloPoMo badge to my sidebar that will link back to the NaBloPoMo page. Directions are here, but I cannot make it work.

I saved the badge to my desktop, then uploaded it to Blogger. I got the address and pasted in it the code in my template. Nada.

Can anyone add anything to the directions?

And yes, Alish, this does count as a post!

2008-11-01T11:31:00.000-04:00

The run-up to Halloween this year had a new intensity. Olivia has developed a different relationship to sweets now that she has had more exposure. Not a day goes by that there isn't some mention of cake, or perhaps some cake and ice cream, or maybe just the ice cream. Treats are still treats; we don't eat them daily, but she would like to. By now, she has been to enough birthday parties to know that she has never met a cupcake she didn't like.

Thankfully, in the end her excitement yesterday was more about the costumes and the decorations and the trick-or-treating. She had a great time and paid no attention to what was in her bucket until she got home. Marc and I did some quick editing and she ate a couple of Dum-Dums and saved some for today. She's been clutching one in her hand since about 8am, asking incessantly when it would be time to eat it.

And Sawyer? He doesn't care at all about sweets yet, but he was the yummiest peapod ever.

2008-10-22T22:37:00.002-04:00

It's not that I don't want to put actual words on this blog anymore, it's just that there.is.no.time. That and I seem to have lost the ability to string the actual words together in some kind of compelling manner.

But November looms. Dare I?

2008-10-21T21:07:00.002-04:00

I am crazy about this baby.

2008-10-11T22:25:00.001-04:00

I caved.
I offered her a treat.
And she used the potty.
Twice.

not so long ago...

2008-09-20T21:44:00.001-04:00

Olivia on her first birthday

free food from a friend

2008-09-15T12:24:00.005-04:00

My friend, Natalie, is a giver. Even though she's in NYC right now, she's still thinking of you. Visit her site today and you could win a $50 gift certificate to P.F. Chang's. You could win other things too, but I'm hungry and P.F. Chang's sounds good, so that's what caught my eye.

Anyway, check her out.

Update: And now with a working link. Doh.

Feel my pain

2008-09-13T20:15:00.002-04:00

I've had this stuck in my head for an hour.

You're welcome.

2008-09-13T14:31:00.001-04:00

2008-09-09T21:21:00.002-04:00

"Livi, what's wrong? You look upset."

"Mommy, I was trying to be quiet, but I couldn't because you were on the phone."

"It's nice to be quiet sometimes. Would you like for us to be quiet together for a few minutes?"

"Yes."

"Mommy!" (whispered)

"Yes?"

"I think we should think about something while we are being quiet."

"OK. What should we think about?"

"Cookies. Let's be quiet and think about cookies."

Still smiling

2008-09-02T22:07:00.003-04:00

Except not right now. Right now he's fussing big time. Several days ago he started to express his discomfort with pooping by waking every morning around 4:00 to squirm and scream, just like his sister did at his age.

And now it would seem that he is going to do the same thing for several hours each evening, just like his sister did.

So, I'm praying that he doesn't have colic like his sister did.

2008-08-24T22:26:00.002-04:00

An indicator that perhaps something has gone amiss in my laissez-faire potty training plan...

Olivia changes her own diapers now.

Exactly what kind of Southern accent do I have?

2008-08-21T20:56:00.003-04:00

"Mommy, what is that?"

"Hmm. OK. Well, that's his penis."

"What's that for?"

"That's how he pee pees."

"Daddy has a penis."

"Yes, boys have penises."

"But girls don't have penises. What do girls have?"

"Girls have vaginas."

"Oooh." (big smile) "Kind of like pajamas!"

2008-08-10T19:49:00.003-04:00

Olivia is probably hearing this in her dreams:

Olivia, no!
Please be gentle.
Olivia, that's too rough!
OK, that's enough kisses.
Please don't jump on the couch when your brother is right there.
Don't poke him. Please don't poke him.

I feel so badly. She loves him to pieces, but she is rough and tumble with him already. It's hard not to speak harshly when I see all of her 30+ pounds come down mere inches from his punkin' head. All in all, she's doing well, but she has a lot of pressure on her right now...to adjust, to be a "good big sister," to be patient, to be gentle. Everyone has been trying to get her to eat new foods, to use the potty...sometimes it's hard for me to watch her process all the changes.

2008-08-08T10:30:00.002-04:00

Anyone else see anything about this today?

2008-08-06T13:24:00.002-04:00

To celebrate Marc's return to work and our first day at home alone as Mommy, newborn and toddler, Olivia got a stomach bug and vomited blueberries all over her bed and floor. Party.

(She's better today!)

One Week Old

2008-08-04T18:05:00.001-04:00

Wow. That was...wow.

2008-08-02T15:51:00.001-04:00

Anyone who has had the pleasure of comparing labor and delivery stories with me knows that Olivia's birth was epic. Thirty-seven hours of hard labor and pushing; a couple of cab rides; friends, family and a doula; three different locations; minor complications for mom and baby, and finally a gorgeous, healthy Olivia. There's so much that I love about the memories of all this now, but it was a long time before I could really think that I might be insane enough to do it again. Second labors are supposed to be shorter than firsts, but as was pointed out to me, 24 hours is shorter than 37 and that is still a really long time.

So once I proved that I am indeed insane enough to do it again, I tried to prepare myself. I hired another doula, who happened to be training someone...two for the price of one. I drank raspberry leaf tea (thanks, Mary!), and used primrose oil. I talked to myself and visualized a good (i.e. swift) delivery. But when signs of labor began Wednesday before last (on top of the contractions that I had been having for ages), only to slow and then stop, I started to be afraid, very afraid that labor was not going to progress the way that I had hoped. We spent my due date on a bit of a "Family of Three" date and it was sweet and bittersweet and I enjoyed it, but I was also acutely aware of the fact that I was not in labor and didn't feel like I was going to be anytime soon.

But then Sunday morning, I woke up around 4:30 with "that feeling," just like I did with Olivia. By the time Marc and I got up at 6:30, I was officially having contractions. By 7:30 when my mom came to get Olivia, I was on the birthing ball, moaning and unable to get up. Olivia, sweet enough through the whole morning to break my heart, took the baby seat which she had been vowing was off-limits for the baby for months and pulled it up saying, "Mommy, I'll sit here beside you and baby brother can sit next to me when he comes." Thank you, sweetie.

My friend, Katy, who was at Olivia's birth, called and listened for a bit as I labored and tried to micro-manage as Mom and Marc got O ready to go. Finally, she said, "Paige, don't you think you should call the doula? I think you should call the doula. Call the doula." But I had it in my mind that everything was going to take so long; I didn't want to wear out all my resources before 9am. Three contractions later, we called the doula.

With Olivia, I labored at home from 4:30a until 5:00p. I watched a little TV until things got to be too much, walked up and down the hall, laid on the bed, sat on the birthing ball...it was a day's worth of work and while I was in a lot of pain by the time I went to the birthing center, I was able to pretty much stay on top of it. But on Sunday, by the time I made the first switch from sitting to laying down to see if that offered any relief, I was already feeling a lot of doubt. Things were happening too fast, the pain was too intense too early. If I had to do this for a day and a half...well, there was no way I could do this for a day and a half. I started to feel panicky and was having trouble relaxing my muscles at all whether having a contraction or not. We decided to fill the tub, though I had no idea how I was going to get up and get to it. I didn't ask what time it was but I felt like several hours had passed since Amy arrived.

The tub was better. The contractions were coming very fast; some of them had a little lull only to start right back up, making me feel like they were coming right on top of each other, but I felt better able to breath and moan through them and was able to construct a positive thought or two...I'll never have to have that contraction again. Hell, I'll never have to do any of this again. Marc began to look a bit concerned and started asking if we should call the mid-wife. I put him off each time, afraid that it was too early. If I went to the hospital too early, I would get caught up. Caught up in the bed and the IV, unable to move and I knew that I would ask for an epidural. I just wanted to wait it out a bit more. And then, just like that...I needed to push. I really needed to push. Suddenly everyone was moving. Marc was on the phone. Amy and Christina were getting me out of the tub and trying to throw some clothes on me. I tried to find a shoe, asked for a shirt to go over my gown. Marc had the car on and bags out the door, an armful of shirts in answer to my request. Still though, I am wondering if it is time to go. By the time we got to the car, my only doubt was whether we would actually make it to the hospital. In between coaching Marc about his driving (good to know that you stay firmly yourself in times of stress and crisis), I held my hands between my legs and chanted, "I need to push."

We pulled up to the hospital and they actually came running out to meet us, throwing me on a gurney, and stripping me half-naked on the sidewalk. Where my water broke. And here folks, is where I lost it, maybe just a little. I literally went screaming through the lobby and up the elevator. I just wanted to get somewhere and have that baby. And I let everyone know.

Once in the room, everyone was moving, asking me questions, trying to get in an IV, trying to calm me down, trying to get me not to push. Screeeetch. What? Why? Why can't I push? Because the mid-wife wasn't there. Not in my opinion a good enough reason, so pushing I was. And when the baby's heart rate dropped a tiny bit during one contraction, everyone got on board and encouraged me to do so. Two contractions later, there he was...Sawyer.

We arrived at the hospital at 11:45 and he was born at 12:02p. When I finally let that sink in, I realized that meant I had been in labor from 4:30 until noon...all of seven and a half hours. Not bad. Not bad at all.

2008-07-26T19:05:00.005-04:00

It's my due date. Do I look patient?

I've been thinking that labor was getting started for awhile now. I have been at 3 centimeters for some time and have been having contractions for weeks. Every evening, I lay down thinking that I will wake in labor; instead, I'm just having to talk myself back into my maternity clothes.

Olivia's doing really well. If asked about Baby Brother, she says that she isn't excited and we still touch occasionally on the list of her things that he isn't allowed to use or play with, but she has been talking about him and kissing my tummy a lot and echoing Daddy's request for him to come out and play. I think it's a bit confusing because each evening brings a bit of a preparatory flurry and then each morning...no baby, not yet.

Our adventures in Summer Pre-School have been interesting and warrant their own entry (look for that in two months). It exceeded my expectations, but I am not sure that things are going to work out for the fall. We may have to wait until next spring when things have calmed down a bit. I don't regret it; I just wish the timing had been different.

First day of school

Anyway. I'm off for more resting. And more nesting. And more carbs and protein. Wish us luck!

2008-06-22T22:14:00.001-04:00

Another little something that I don't remember from the first time around...strangers are fascinated with the pregnant. Maybe it's because I was in New York last time and most people were paying attention to my stomach only long enough to decide whether or not they needed to offer up their seats on the subway. Here, random folks are constantly commenting on my "condition" and my appearance or asking about my due date or the baby's gender. Yesterday two teenage girls gasped as they walked by me and one said, "Ooh, she's pregnant." I couldn't tell if it was more like "Ooh, you smell good" or "Ooh, you stepped in something." Probably something more along the lines of "Ooh, your stomach is HUGE."

About two minutes prior, a man had pointed out that I was expecting ("Indeed.") and then asked how far along I was and whether I knew what I was having. And just before that, another stranger sitting next to me struck up a conversation about how girl babies have faster heart rates than boys and how back in her day that was how you knew what you were having.

All in all, I don't mind. I think that it's sort of sweet. And not such a bad thing to be shown some general goodwill when out and about. Especially in these last few weeks, when I vacillate wildly between feeling on one hand immense and slow and sweaty and on the other brimming with new life and miracles and secrets.

2008-06-17T09:35:00.002-04:00

Would you think less of me if I told you that I actually wept last night when I saw that a massive blue vein has popped up all over the back of my leg? I am just vain enough to say that if this thing doesn't go away when I have the baby, I might FREAK OUT. Just a little.

peas in a pod

2008-06-15T15:43:00.004-04:00

Happy Father's Day!

Good friends. Big laughs.

2008-06-12T22:37:00.001-04:00

The Third Trimester, otherwise known as...

2008-06-10T07:58:00.000-04:00

"Get up off that chair, Mommy!"

I have about seven more weeks, but it feels like this baby could come tomorrow. I have written very little here or elsewhere about these last few months which I regret, but there just seems to have been so little time. Or energy. I don't remember pregnancy being quite so draining, even though I was working a full-time job the first time around, walking my groceries and laundry around, riding the subway. Of course, I was minus one three-year-old, in better shape and as one of my mid-wives delicately pointed out at my last appointment, younger. I am tired, people.

I have a few other complaints which I'll mercifully spare you, but I am hanging in and the time is going by quickly, so I feel certain that I won't fall apart due to sciatica and heartburn. The lack of sleep might be the end of us all, though. I have gotten a little touchy lately about the whole sleep issue. People laugh as they ask if I am having to get up a lot at night to take my pea-sized (hee. pea-sized. pea. pee. get it? shut up.) bladder to the bathroom and then they laugh and remind me that I will be getting up even more once the baby arrives and I try to remember that they have no idea that we get up a lot as it is to check Olivia's blood sugar. Marc has been helping a lot lately and Olivia is sleeping well, so we are up on that score. It's when the baby comes and keeps Olivia up at night that things are really going to get schizo.

O still seems excited for the most part, though she does get tired on occasion of being asked about her new brother. This past weekend was the first time that I have seen the child actually shoot someone a dirty look in response to the inquiry. She doesn't seem terribly anxious and I am hoping the transition will be smooth for her. We have taken a step that could muddy things up, though...I'm not sure. We are going to (try to) put O in pre-school for a few hours twice a week for July and see how things go. I have to admit to feeling pessimistic about it. I just can't imagine that she is going to get comfortable with this and while I know that a lot of people would say that this is only because I won't be comfortable and that is probably part of it, but Olivia is a proud momma's girl and does not cotton to me leaving her in the living room, much less some strange place with a bunch of strange people.

Six weeks ago I was certain that this was something we both needed, but as it has gotten closer and more real with plans and visits to the school being made, I do wonder if I am ready either. Am I ready to turn her over to people who don't love her, who aren't family? Am I ready to trust someone else with her diabetes care? Am I ready for other children to possibly hurt her feelings? Am I ready to leave her to navigate her surroundings without me? Am I ready for school?

I am mentally committed to at least the summer program and I am getting all my plans and paperwork together. We'll give it a try and see how things go. She seems excited when we talk about it. Maybe she will love it, I will feel secure about it, her teachers and nurses will confidently take on the responsibility and it will be capital-S smooth. If not, she'll be a full-time big sister and we'll try again with kindergarten.

Either way, things are changing and this period of our lives is coming to an end. Very soon, there will be new people, new places and friends, a new baby. So, for now I savor these last few moments with Olivia, mornings when we wake and it is just the two of us and a whole summer day to share, evenings when we lie in her bed and talk about her favorite part of the day. And softly, I hear the clock tick, tick, tick...

2008-05-27T09:08:00.001-04:00

Finally. After months of deliberation and bickering on the part of Marc and myself ("Fergus? I think that name comes with a complimentary black eye."), Olivia, without the assistance of the 50,000 Baby Names!!! book, nails it.

Bathtub. Bathtub Mayes.

Finally. A post that does not contain a video.

2008-05-25T17:07:00.001-04:00

But it does include a meme.

I have done this before in another post, but Shannon tagged me [About a week and a half ago] and I think not responding to a meme brings you seven years of bad luck or something like that, so I guess I will get up off my blog-duff and post something.

Ten weird, random facts, habits or goals about yourself...

1. I have to keep to the same post-shower grooming technique every time I get cleaned up. I dry off, wrap hair in towel, brush teeth, put on moisturizer, put on deodorant, etc...it's all done in exactly the same sequence each and every time or I get a bit agitated.

2. I can never, ever remember what sour kraut is called. I see it...and draw a blank. I want some...but I can't remember what it's called. I get ready to ask Olivia if she'll have some for lunch...and have to ponder for at least 15 seconds before I can come up with it. Every time.

3. I have a perfectly clear memory of our Siamese cat using a brass spittoon as a litter box once. My mother insists this never happened.

4. I come to your house and have a meal with you? I'd love to help with the dishes, but the sponge by your sink gives me the heebie jeebies. Big time. Even at my mom's house, which is spotless, the sponge...it freaks me out.

5. When I was little, I wrote a story about a seagull. I wanted some alliteration for its name, but Simon just seemed too obvious, too pedestrian. So, he became Semen. Semen the Seagull.

6. I feel physical pain when watching people on TV be embarrassed. ON TV. NOT REAL PEOPLE. Whatever.

7. I used to think that I "hated" water and rarely, if ever, drank it.

8. I had a bright-red heart-shaped birthmark on my chest, but it faded.

9. I love an ellipsis. I use it (them?) way too much and not always properly.

10. I would like to go to a silent retreat. I think passing a weekend without saying a word sounds both damn near impossible and completely glorious.

An indicator of my mood today...

2008-05-19T19:11:00.003-04:00

Marc: Can I get you a shot of espresso, honey? Upside your head?

2008-05-18T15:13:00.002-04:00

I always miss NYC more on Sundays.

(Shannon, I'm working on the meme. Trying to figure out which of my weirdness is appropriate for public consumption.)

2008-05-05T20:41:00.003-04:00

Amy Tenderich has a good post over at Diabetes Mine on the news of the FDA's recent, controversial study of the use of insulin pumps by teens. She points out some of the information that the FDA did NOT include and offers a link to one of the many recent studies which contradicts that of the FDA.

2008-05-02T07:55:00.003-04:00

I think that just watching this video probably counts as my 30 minutes of daily exercise.

2008-04-25T20:03:00.002-04:00

Marc recently requested a sample Omnipod in the mail. They sent us one which has the real inner workings, so the weight is the same, but rather than insert it with a needle, one can peel a backing off and put it on like a sticker. As part of his effort to get Olivia to let him put it on her, Marc has been showing her videos on YouTube of other children and their pumps.

This afternoon, she asked me to watch the video about Samantha with her.

Lost it. Completely. I was barely able to hold things together enough to make it through and take a break in the kitchen.

It's really important that we act enthusiastic when she meets other children who also have diabetes, children who have pumps, but it can be almost soul-crushing to hear your three-year-old say, "Mommy, she has diabetes...just like me!" as though it were the most exciting thing.

Also soul-crushing? The first two minutes of this video:

No parent should have to do these things to their child. No child should have to endure it.

There is no cure for diabetes. Yet.

We will not be raising money for the JDRF's Ride for the Cure this year, but we are walking in our local walk. If you would like to donate to Team O, please follow this link.

2008-04-21T18:23:00.001-04:00

And then she was three...